One Week Down.....

Current Mood: Hungry

Current Song: Starlight - Muse

Well.... I did it. I made it through my first week of classes at UNL. And let me tell you it was not an easy week. But I think that I learned a lot about where I need to go, when I need to go there, and what is generally expected of me. Also, I think I have finally gotten the whole driving across town thing every morning pretty much down. That was of great concern to me, and when the first day didn't necessarily go so well, I will admit that I was worried. But now with five days under my belt, I am feeling fairly confident. Now, I will say that I have been lucky finding a place to park in my parking garage every morning... I have a feeling that the first morning I am not so lucky is going to bring on a bit of a freak out. But we will cross that bridge when we get there.

I feel like I am learning how to go with the flow. This week could have been far worse and far more stressful than it was, and think that maybe the reason it went so well was that I have learned to relax a little and just roll with the punches. I used to get so nervous and stressed out about the smallest things.... and even a year or so ago this week would have caused me a great deal of anxiety. Not that this week was stress free, no far from it. But I feel like I have learned that if I'm late for something, it's not the end of the world. If I can't find a parking spot, it's not the end of the world. If I don't get an A on every assignment, it's not the end of the world. Basically, I have learned when it's necessary to panic over things and when to just let it go. And this new "come what may" attitude has definitely helped me cope with my new surroundings and situations.

Well.... one week down, and a whole lot more to go.....

Peace and Love

It's Been A While..... Let's Chat

Current Mood: Bored

Current Song: Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry

Ok, so I guess I have been a bit of a blogger slacker recently. I have no real excuses, just the usual i had no internet for 3 months and then I just got busy and forgot about it. But now I feel like I need someone to talk to, and the random anonymous world of the blogosphere seems like exactly what I need right now.

So much has changed this summer.... and yet so little has happened. I worked everyday, came home, ate, and went to bed. And yet, somewhere in this monotonous routine, I gained self-awareness, a better work ethic, and coping skills. I couldn't even really explain to you when all of these revelations happened, but I feel like a completely different person than I did when I left K-State in May. I changed so much when I was away last year and I thought that I was who I was, that all of the changing was done. But when it came time for school to start this year and I took a good long look at myself, I realized that I in fact had changed, quite a bit actually. I believe that I owe a great deal of these changes to my wonderful, often crazy, amazing friends, the old and the new.

I loved being home and having my two best friends home this summer. Whenever we got together it was like we were in 7th grade again, like we hadn't been in three different states for 9 months, like no time had passed at all since we met. And I loved that.... so much. They make me feel safe and happy no matter what. When I am feeling really shitty, I know that all I have to do is talk to one or both of them and even if we don't find a solution to the problem, I always feel better. I am sad now that school has started again and we are again in different states. But I truly think that time apart from each other has proven just how strong our friendship is and has ultimately been good for each one of us in different ways.

But I think that I owe a lot of how much I have changed to some of my new friends too. A lot of them are people that I work with, but over the course of the summer I feel like we have bonded on a different level. They make me laugh when I want to scream at a customer and throw in the towel, and they are truly the only people who really understand what it's like to work there and deal with all of the crap that happens. I now often look forward to going to work and get excited when I get to see certain people. It certainly makes the time go by much faster and the environment far more fun!! And well, I never thought I would say that I am sad to be working less, but now that school has started my hours are cut in half, and now that I love everyone so much, it's hard to think that I won't get to see them as much.

School has started.... it's hard to even write. It means that my wonderful summer has ended and harsh reality is raining down on me. It's not that school is that bad, it's just that school brings up conversations about responsibility, the future, and life.... all things that I skillfully spent all summer avoiding. Also, I am now in a new unfamiliar school, again. I am "that" dorky sophomore carrying around a map and looking confused and out of place. Not a position that I like to be in. And it's just all very stressful, a lot of firsts and stressors in a very short amount of time. But, I made it through the first day, I am well on my way through my second day, and things are looking like they are going to work out ok. So I am hopeful.....

Well, I guess I have droned on enough for now. I promise that I will try to be less of a blogger slacker in the days and weeks to come!!!

Peace and Love

GET UP AND SHAKE THE GLITTER OFF YOUR CLOTHES

Oh Happy Day

Current Mood: Oh So Happy!! : )

Current Movie: Aladdin

I love Aladdin..... Don't you love it when an amazing movie just happens to be on TV? Aladdin is on ABC Family tonight, and my roommate and I are hanging out and watching it, a good break from the rigors of schoolwork!! The movie is like the cherry on my day..... I actually had a good one for once!!!

Even though today was so wonderful, I know that I have so much to do before school ends in 22 days!! So much homework and projects, and oh so many tests.....

I can barely keep it all straight. I have a list of all that I have to do just to attempt to keep up!! I can't even believe how little time I have left here.... It literally blows my mind that I will be leaving K-State for good so soon. It feels like Christmas break was just yesterday!! I am still having some mixed feelings about leaving my little family here, but thinking about all that is ahead of me keeps me moving forward. And I do have so much to look forward to!!

1.   Tau Beta Sigma and Kappa Kappa Psi end of the year bonfire and picnic

2.   K-State Spring Game

3.   A summer with my two best friends in the whole world!

4.   Working like crazy and earning the pretty pretty money

5.   Going to a new school and learning the ropes

6.   Marching band! : )

7.   Going to back to London with my high school band (jumps up and down excitedly)

8.   Being home with my family

I just have to keep my eyes on the prize at this point..... I just want to get everything done, finish strong, and hopefully have a little fun on the way!! I am so excited to be going home this weekend to see The Pirates of Penzance at my high school, and all of my friends that are in it. It's going to be like a mini family reunion!! I am also freaking loving the amazingly hot weather that has settled over Kansas!! I am soaking up all of the sun that I can get and it has put me in a super good mood!! I know it won't last too much longer..... But I am going to make the most of it while it lasts!!

So, for now I am feeling hopeful. I am in a good mood. I feel like I have at least a loose grip on all of the things that I have to get done. And I have some fun activities coming up before school ends in THREE WEEKS!!! And now to continue with my movie!! Note to self: Watch Aladdin if you are ever feeling down..... It is the perfect cure for a crappy day!!

Love and Peace

I Just Wanna Dance

Current Mood: Hopeful

Current Song: Just Dance - Lady GaGa

I love sleep, and it's amazing what sleeping for 12 and half hours of sleep will do for you....

I went to bed last night between 12:30 and 1:00, and didn't wake up until 1:00 this afternoon. I rolled over and looked at the clock and couldn't believe it..... I haven't slept that long in forever. It was good though. Sometimes when I sleep that long I wake up and feel all crappy and sleep drunk, but today I was pretty clear headed and awake. Thank God for K-State open house and having all but one class canceled!!

All of that sleep has really made me feel better about things. I feel like I can handle things better now. I have been stressing out a lot lately about all of the things that I have to get done before the end of the year, but after going over everything and getting some sleep has made me realize that I can get everything done, I just need to stay on top of things and work hard..... It won't be fun, and it won't be easy, but it's what I have to do.

Well that's all for now kids- I am going to rock out to Lady GaGa now!!

And Just Dance, Gonna Be Ok......

Hootie

My wonderful, hilarious, and partially evil, cat Hootie died last weekend. When my dad told me I was literally speechless. All I could do was sit there, completely motionless, with this vacant expression on my face. I had seen him six days before and he was completely fine. It was just a huge shock. My dad said that he went really fast though and wasn't in any pain, so that was somewhat comforting. I think that I will always be guilty that I wasn't there though. I don't know if I could have done anything or changed the situation in any way, but I wasn't there..... I just wasn't there. 

After the initial shock was over, I was ok, but then it was so hard to walk downstairs for the first time when I got home. It was so weird to walk down there and not see him peeking out from around the couch or sacked out on my bed. Even weirder was not having him sleep with me. He has slept on the left hand corner of my bed for as long as I can remember. I always used to put my foot against him when I slept just because it was comforting knowing that he was there. I slept completely alone for the first time since I was six-years-old.... and I have to tell you that I was not a fan.

From then on, the rest of the weekend just continued to get harder as I began to realize what an enormous part of my life he was. From thinking that I could see him out of the corner of my eye while I was getting ready in the bathroom, to being so conditioned to feeding him every morning that I actually went in to feed him. That is the hardest part really.... I'm always ok until I do something that I would have done differently or don't have to do anymore and realize all over again that he isn't there. 

Needless to say it was a pretty crappy Easter weekend....

Now that I am back at school it is easier because I'm not in that environment anymore and there aren't constant reminders that he isn't here anymore. But I have been dreaming about him and every once in a while a song will come on, or there will be a cat on TV, or my roommate will talk about her cat, and I get that little sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and just feel sad all over again. I know that it is going to take time for me to feel better and not be so sad.... but right now it is just hard learning to live without my little buddy.

IT'S A SPERM!!!!!

So this was the last set of marching band drill to our song Karn Evil 9 my sophomore year. I dont' know if the drill writer was on crack or what he was smoking, but this is the form that we were supposed to make. 

(I think he said that it was supposed to be a tadpole?..... but that really isn't better any better - just less dirty!!)

When practicing this for the first time, our director flipped the page, saw this, and yelled, "OH MY GOD! IT'S A SPERM!!" I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in all my life!! Needless to say that rehearsal was over! 

So, this set was ultimately removed from our drill and something more appropriate, that did not resemble a part of the male reproductive system, was put in it's place. But this picture is proof that the sperm set was not just a legend, but very real indeed!!!

My Life Just Keeps Getting More And More Interesting.....

Current Mood: Exhausted

Current Song: First Day Of My Life - Melanie C

So many things going on right now!!

Here is just a snapshot into my life......

1. TBS/KKS convention last weekend - lots of fun talking to people and workshops were good, but getting up freakishly early on Saturday and Sunday and sitting through endless and seemingly pointless meetings was not so entertaining.... I could literally feel my brain turning to mush

2. My roommate has mono - enough said

3. I might have mono - enough said

4. My roommate and her mother are about to have world war three over her drinking, hanging out with older boys, and lying about some stuff - and i have a front row seat..... not that I want it!!

5. Easter is this weekend and I have to go home - not that I don't want to go home, but I need to catch up on stuff and I could really use a totally lazy weekend full of sleep and TV

6. Homework - I think that pretty much speaks for itself.......

7. Finally, I am so tired I can barely move, and I almost cry when I pass my bed because I miss it so much- I need a day to do absolutely nothing and relax, but unfortunately, no such day appears to be in sight

So that is my life right now..... mono, sleep deprivation, and homework...... and they say that college is fun??

Happy Fake Patty's Day

Fake Patty's Day:

A.K.A. - Kansas State's Solution to the fact that St. Patrick's Day falls during spring break so no one will be here to party and get wasted.....

So we have created an entire day devoted entirely to getting shit-faced (and "faked up"). The school paper even ran an article about how to handle your alcohol, get through the day, and turn beer green. Really good use of space if you ask me.....

The drinking began at 6 AM with the beer olympics (4 kegs in 2 hours) and continues now into the night with drunk person after drunk person is staggering down our echoy hallway past my door to the elevator.......

NO, we don't have a drinking problem at this school.....

NOT at all!!!

Oh, and I am excitedly waiting to see how many people get herpes from the beer pong today during the beer olympics

One Of Those Times

I am going through one of those times..... You know, one of those times when nothing seems to go your way, when it is possible for something to go wrong it will, and you can't seem to make sense of things, but you know that when it is all over you will be able to look back and laugh? Well, I'm not laughing now. I feel so torn. All I can think of is living in Lincoln, being at UNL, going home. I don't feel like I belong here at K-State anymore. I don't regret coming here at all of course. I desperately needed to get away from everything that happened in high school and everyone who said "you can't." I had to get away from all of that and find out who I really was and what I really wanted. And K-State was a safe place that I saw to run where I could start over and figure some things out. And that is exactly what I did. I got away, got to reinvent myself, and came to better understand myself. But in this time of great self discovery, I also discovered that the new stronger, confident, and happier me doesn't belong at K-State. I am not the same scared, quiet, and self doubting freshman that came to K-State 7 months ago. 

But really, the worst part of this whole thing, is that I love K-State. I really do. I have friends here, and I feel like I am abandoning a family that has been so good to me, so good to me. And because of this, even though I know going to UNL will make me happy, I feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I am doing something bad and wrong. If I were a dog I would put my head down, tuck my tail between my legs, and whimper as I slink into the corner. I know that everyone will be so nice about me leaving, and that makes it even worse. The last thing that I ever want to do is hurt anyone or let anyone down, and I know that is what I am doing.... big time. 

So at the same time that I am dealing with this guilt, I am also dealing with the knowledge that going home means losing some of the precious freedom that I have come to love so much. I know that in Lincoln I will be under the watchful eye of my family all of the time. And while that isn't a totally terrible thing, I feel like I am having my precious wings taken from me. But everyday it becomes clearer to me that you can't have roots and wings. And leaving Manhattan is the hardest freaking thing that I have ever had to do. I guess that my roots are too deep to let me fly away from home for good.... Maybe I  can just fly south for the winter? 

Maybe I should watch Sweet Home Alabama. I can totally relate to how Melanie was feeling. She loved her life, but when she went home, it fit too. And in the end, she chose to go home to her roots, just as I have decided. I guess they don't talk about what happens to Melanie when the movie ends though. Did she wonder what her life would have been like if she had married Andrew, spread her wings, and flown away to New York? Did she regret her decision? Because that is one of my biggest fears.... regret. I don't want to look back on my life and regret anything. I definitely don't regret coming to K-State, not by a long-shot. But I know that I will always wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in Manhattan, and I hope that doesn't later turn into regret.

I think my biggest problem is not knowing what is right, and more importantly, what lies ahead. I have no idea if the decisions that I am making now are the right ones. They seem right at the moment, but I know better than anyone that things can change so fast. And I wish that I could just put on sweat pants, turn off all the lights, put on a really sad song and just have a good cry. But there is no room for crying in college. You are too busy, you have no privacy, and if you stop for even one moment everything can fall apart. And right now, a good cry is all that I want. I want to cry to let out every pent up emotion that I have so that I can start to figure things out and move on. I know that if things keep backing up like this, everything will start to unravel and I will probably have a very public meltdown. At this point, I am just hoping for some well-timed time alone so that I just breakdown and then feel better. 

This always happens. I have a build up of emotions. I let the little things build up and then they aren't so little anymore, they are big problems that I am not equipped to deal with. And then I get totally overwhelmed and begin to think that I can't work things out, and then I meltdown, freak-out and have a good long cry. And when I am done, I am able to look at things more objectively, and invariably am able to deal with all of my problems with some amount of ease. That is my M.O. Even though I know that I am not yet able to break the pattern and deal with the little things as they come and prevent the big hoopla. Maybe that is just me, who I am.

Ok, well that is enough ranting and soul searching for one night. I feel better just writing down what I am feeling though, just being able to let go of some of what I have been carrying around with me. The world always seems brighter after airing your grievances and pouring your heart out.... and my world just lit up.

Goodnight All

"It's funny how things don't work out.......

.......It's funny how they do."

~Sweet Home Alabama 

A Brand New Day

I have always lived my life with beautiful intentions, and now I just want to share them with the world. I am honestly truly just looking for a place that I can write about everything happening in my world, all of the things that are on my mind, and I just want to tell about how things really happened from my point of view.