I am going through one of those times..... You know, one of those times when nothing seems to go your way, when it is possible for something to go wrong it will, and you can't seem to make sense of things, but you know that when it is all over you will be able to look back and laugh? Well, I'm not laughing now. I feel so torn. All I can think of is living in Lincoln, being at UNL, going home. I don't feel like I belong here at K-State anymore. I don't regret coming here at all of course. I desperately needed to get away from everything that happened in high school and everyone who said "you can't." I had to get away from all of that and find out who
I really was and what
I really wanted. And K-State was a safe place that I saw to run where I could start over and figure some things out. And that is exactly what I did. I got away, got to reinvent myself, and came to better understand myself. But in this time of great self discovery, I also discovered that the new stronger, confident, and happier me doesn't belong at K-State. I am not the same scared, quiet, and self doubting freshman that came to K-State 7 months ago.
But really, the worst part of this whole thing, is that I love K-State. I really do. I have friends here, and I feel like I am abandoning a family that has been so good to me, so good to me. And because of this, even though I know going to UNL will make me happy, I feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I am doing something bad and wrong. If I were a dog I would put my head down, tuck my tail between my legs, and whimper as I slink into the corner. I know that everyone will be so nice about me leaving, and that makes it even worse. The last thing that I ever want to do is hurt anyone or let anyone down, and I know that is what I am doing.... big time.
So at the same time that I am dealing with this guilt, I am also dealing with the knowledge that going home means losing some of the precious freedom that I have come to love so much. I know that in Lincoln I will be under the watchful eye of my family all of the time. And while that isn't a totally terrible thing, I feel like I am having my precious wings taken from me. But everyday it becomes clearer to me that you can't have roots and wings. And leaving Manhattan is the hardest freaking thing that I have ever had to do. I guess that my roots are too deep to let me fly away from home for good.... Maybe I can just fly south for the winter?
Maybe I should watch Sweet Home Alabama. I can totally relate to how Melanie was feeling. She loved her life, but when she went home, it fit too. And in the end, she chose to go home to her roots, just as I have decided. I guess they don't talk about what happens to Melanie when the movie ends though. Did she wonder what her life would have been like if she had married Andrew, spread her wings, and flown away to New York? Did she regret her decision? Because that is one of my biggest fears.... regret. I don't want to look back on my life and regret anything. I definitely don't regret coming to K-State, not by a long-shot. But I know that I will always wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in Manhattan, and I hope that doesn't later turn into regret.
I think my biggest problem is not knowing what is right, and more importantly, what lies ahead. I have no idea if the decisions that I am making now are the right ones. They seem right at the moment, but I know better than anyone that things can change so fast. And I wish that I could just put on sweat pants, turn off all the lights, put on a really sad song and just have a good cry. But there is no room for crying in college. You are too busy, you have no privacy, and if you stop for even one moment everything can fall apart. And right now, a good cry is all that I want. I want to cry to let out every pent up emotion that I have so that I can start to figure things out and move on. I know that if things keep backing up like this, everything will start to unravel and I will probably have a very public meltdown. At this point, I am just hoping for some well-timed time alone so that I just breakdown and then feel better.
This always happens. I have a build up of emotions. I let the little things build up and then they aren't so little anymore, they are big problems that I am not equipped to deal with. And then I get totally overwhelmed and begin to think that I can't work things out, and then I meltdown, freak-out and have a good long cry. And when I am done, I am able to look at things more objectively, and invariably am able to deal with all of my problems with some amount of ease. That is my M.O. Even though I know that I am not yet able to break the pattern and deal with the little things as they come and prevent the big hoopla. Maybe that is just me, who I am.
Ok, well that is enough ranting and soul searching for one night. I feel better just writing down what I am feeling though, just being able to let go of some of what I have been carrying around with me. The world always seems brighter after airing your grievances and pouring your heart out.... and my world just lit up.
Goodnight All
"It's funny how things don't work out.......
.......It's funny how they do."
~Sweet Home Alabama
