HELP HAITI

Please, give even the smallest of what you can.... We are so fortunate, let us give where it is truly needed!!!

It's Easy: To donate $10 to the Red Cross text "HAITI" to 90999

I DID!!!

New Year's Resolutions

Current Mood: Hopeful

Current Song: Aftermath - Adam Lambert

"Before you break you have to shed your armor

Take a trip and fall into glitter"

Ok.... so I have once again fallen into my slacker ways, but I stopped posting because my posting time suddenly became homework time, and after that I kind of just forgot. But I'll be better now, or at least I'll try to be, but honestly, I make no guarantees!!

I guess that's a decent transition into my New Year's Resolutions this year. I'm usually not one for resolutions... I have traditionally seen them as creative ways to disappoint yourself. You make these resolutions knowing that you have 365 days to complete them, and then 364 days into the year, you realize that you haven't accomplished anything and get extremely depressed. And I just don't think that kind of disappointment is necessary. We get enough criticism from the outside world, we don't need to add additional internal pressure as well. So this year, I have decided to make resolutions, but I'm justifying making them by telling myself that there are no set markers that I have to reach, they are just ideas and ideals that I want to live by.

My first resolution is to stay positive. I like to think that I am a recovering pessimist. I used to always see the glass half empty and always assume that the worst was going to happen. But now, I would consider myself a realist. I see things for what they are, I don't always see the bright side, but there is still room for hope. And hope is incredibly important to me. So this year, I am going to try to look forward and see the glass half full. That said, I don't intend to suddenly become an optimist. I see optimism as a quick route to disappointment. So, I guess my goal is simply to be a more positive realist.

Resolution number two is that I want to start standing up for what I believe in, and not be silent any more. There are so many things that I am passionate about, and I refuse to be silent about them any more. I want to start really standing up for the causes that I believe in. I started taking to heart the sentiment: "If you're not a part of the solution you're part of the problem." I understand now that no matter how passionate I am about things, if I don't stand up, speak out, and let my voice be heard, then I am part of the problem. So no more being silent or selfish, I am ready to step up and make a difference in the world.

My final formal resolution is that I want to start living.... out loud, I think that's the phrase I'm looking for. I will be 21 this year, and there are so many things that I haven't done and so many people that I haven't met, and so much fun that I haven't had. And now I want to change that. I am always the good girl.... ALWAYS. And I don't want to be that perfect little angel any more. I want to go out and have fun, let my hair down, and not be so afraid of everything all the time. I know that there are so many things that I am missing out on and I absolutely refuse to let life pass me by any longer. This is the only time that I am going to be young, and I want to enjoy it.

So I guess that's it. I'm ready to take on 2010.... there's nothing holding me back now.

You feel the weight

Of lies and contradictions that you live with every day

It's not too late

Think of what could be if you rewrite the role you play

Take a step before you leap

Into the colors that you seek

You get back what you give away

So don't look back on yesterday

Wanna scream out

No more hiding

Don't be afraid of what's inside

Gonna tell ya you'll be alright

In the aftermath

Anytime anybody pulls you down

Anytime anybody says you're not allowed

Just remember you are not alone

In the aftermath

One Week Down.....

Current Mood: Hungry

Current Song: Starlight - Muse

Well.... I did it. I made it through my first week of classes at UNL. And let me tell you it was not an easy week. But I think that I learned a lot about where I need to go, when I need to go there, and what is generally expected of me. Also, I think I have finally gotten the whole driving across town thing every morning pretty much down. That was of great concern to me, and when the first day didn't necessarily go so well, I will admit that I was worried. But now with five days under my belt, I am feeling fairly confident. Now, I will say that I have been lucky finding a place to park in my parking garage every morning... I have a feeling that the first morning I am not so lucky is going to bring on a bit of a freak out. But we will cross that bridge when we get there.

I feel like I am learning how to go with the flow. This week could have been far worse and far more stressful than it was, and think that maybe the reason it went so well was that I have learned to relax a little and just roll with the punches. I used to get so nervous and stressed out about the smallest things.... and even a year or so ago this week would have caused me a great deal of anxiety. Not that this week was stress free, no far from it. But I feel like I have learned that if I'm late for something, it's not the end of the world. If I can't find a parking spot, it's not the end of the world. If I don't get an A on every assignment, it's not the end of the world. Basically, I have learned when it's necessary to panic over things and when to just let it go. And this new "come what may" attitude has definitely helped me cope with my new surroundings and situations.

Well.... one week down, and a whole lot more to go.....

Peace and Love

It's Been A While..... Let's Chat

Current Mood: Bored

Current Song: Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry

Ok, so I guess I have been a bit of a blogger slacker recently. I have no real excuses, just the usual i had no internet for 3 months and then I just got busy and forgot about it. But now I feel like I need someone to talk to, and the random anonymous world of the blogosphere seems like exactly what I need right now.

So much has changed this summer.... and yet so little has happened. I worked everyday, came home, ate, and went to bed. And yet, somewhere in this monotonous routine, I gained self-awareness, a better work ethic, and coping skills. I couldn't even really explain to you when all of these revelations happened, but I feel like a completely different person than I did when I left K-State in May. I changed so much when I was away last year and I thought that I was who I was, that all of the changing was done. But when it came time for school to start this year and I took a good long look at myself, I realized that I in fact had changed, quite a bit actually. I believe that I owe a great deal of these changes to my wonderful, often crazy, amazing friends, the old and the new.

I loved being home and having my two best friends home this summer. Whenever we got together it was like we were in 7th grade again, like we hadn't been in three different states for 9 months, like no time had passed at all since we met. And I loved that.... so much. They make me feel safe and happy no matter what. When I am feeling really shitty, I know that all I have to do is talk to one or both of them and even if we don't find a solution to the problem, I always feel better. I am sad now that school has started again and we are again in different states. But I truly think that time apart from each other has proven just how strong our friendship is and has ultimately been good for each one of us in different ways.

But I think that I owe a lot of how much I have changed to some of my new friends too. A lot of them are people that I work with, but over the course of the summer I feel like we have bonded on a different level. They make me laugh when I want to scream at a customer and throw in the towel, and they are truly the only people who really understand what it's like to work there and deal with all of the crap that happens. I now often look forward to going to work and get excited when I get to see certain people. It certainly makes the time go by much faster and the environment far more fun!! And well, I never thought I would say that I am sad to be working less, but now that school has started my hours are cut in half, and now that I love everyone so much, it's hard to think that I won't get to see them as much.

School has started.... it's hard to even write. It means that my wonderful summer has ended and harsh reality is raining down on me. It's not that school is that bad, it's just that school brings up conversations about responsibility, the future, and life.... all things that I skillfully spent all summer avoiding. Also, I am now in a new unfamiliar school, again. I am "that" dorky sophomore carrying around a map and looking confused and out of place. Not a position that I like to be in. And it's just all very stressful, a lot of firsts and stressors in a very short amount of time. But, I made it through the first day, I am well on my way through my second day, and things are looking like they are going to work out ok. So I am hopeful.....

Well, I guess I have droned on enough for now. I promise that I will try to be less of a blogger slacker in the days and weeks to come!!!

Peace and Love

GET UP AND SHAKE THE GLITTER OFF YOUR CLOTHES

Oh Happy Day

Current Mood: Oh So Happy!! : )

Current Movie: Aladdin

I love Aladdin..... Don't you love it when an amazing movie just happens to be on TV? Aladdin is on ABC Family tonight, and my roommate and I are hanging out and watching it, a good break from the rigors of schoolwork!! The movie is like the cherry on my day..... I actually had a good one for once!!!

Even though today was so wonderful, I know that I have so much to do before school ends in 22 days!! So much homework and projects, and oh so many tests.....

I can barely keep it all straight. I have a list of all that I have to do just to attempt to keep up!! I can't even believe how little time I have left here.... It literally blows my mind that I will be leaving K-State for good so soon. It feels like Christmas break was just yesterday!! I am still having some mixed feelings about leaving my little family here, but thinking about all that is ahead of me keeps me moving forward. And I do have so much to look forward to!!

1.   Tau Beta Sigma and Kappa Kappa Psi end of the year bonfire and picnic

2.   K-State Spring Game

3.   A summer with my two best friends in the whole world!

4.   Working like crazy and earning the pretty pretty money

5.   Going to a new school and learning the ropes

6.   Marching band! : )

7.   Going to back to London with my high school band (jumps up and down excitedly)

8.   Being home with my family

I just have to keep my eyes on the prize at this point..... I just want to get everything done, finish strong, and hopefully have a little fun on the way!! I am so excited to be going home this weekend to see The Pirates of Penzance at my high school, and all of my friends that are in it. It's going to be like a mini family reunion!! I am also freaking loving the amazingly hot weather that has settled over Kansas!! I am soaking up all of the sun that I can get and it has put me in a super good mood!! I know it won't last too much longer..... But I am going to make the most of it while it lasts!!

So, for now I am feeling hopeful. I am in a good mood. I feel like I have at least a loose grip on all of the things that I have to get done. And I have some fun activities coming up before school ends in THREE WEEKS!!! And now to continue with my movie!! Note to self: Watch Aladdin if you are ever feeling down..... It is the perfect cure for a crappy day!!

Love and Peace

I Just Wanna Dance

Current Mood: Hopeful

Current Song: Just Dance - Lady GaGa

I love sleep, and it's amazing what sleeping for 12 and half hours of sleep will do for you....

I went to bed last night between 12:30 and 1:00, and didn't wake up until 1:00 this afternoon. I rolled over and looked at the clock and couldn't believe it..... I haven't slept that long in forever. It was good though. Sometimes when I sleep that long I wake up and feel all crappy and sleep drunk, but today I was pretty clear headed and awake. Thank God for K-State open house and having all but one class canceled!!

All of that sleep has really made me feel better about things. I feel like I can handle things better now. I have been stressing out a lot lately about all of the things that I have to get done before the end of the year, but after going over everything and getting some sleep has made me realize that I can get everything done, I just need to stay on top of things and work hard..... It won't be fun, and it won't be easy, but it's what I have to do.

Well that's all for now kids- I am going to rock out to Lady GaGa now!!

And Just Dance, Gonna Be Ok......

Hootie

My wonderful, hilarious, and partially evil, cat Hootie died last weekend. When my dad told me I was literally speechless. All I could do was sit there, completely motionless, with this vacant expression on my face. I had seen him six days before and he was completely fine. It was just a huge shock. My dad said that he went really fast though and wasn't in any pain, so that was somewhat comforting. I think that I will always be guilty that I wasn't there though. I don't know if I could have done anything or changed the situation in any way, but I wasn't there..... I just wasn't there. 

After the initial shock was over, I was ok, but then it was so hard to walk downstairs for the first time when I got home. It was so weird to walk down there and not see him peeking out from around the couch or sacked out on my bed. Even weirder was not having him sleep with me. He has slept on the left hand corner of my bed for as long as I can remember. I always used to put my foot against him when I slept just because it was comforting knowing that he was there. I slept completely alone for the first time since I was six-years-old.... and I have to tell you that I was not a fan.

From then on, the rest of the weekend just continued to get harder as I began to realize what an enormous part of my life he was. From thinking that I could see him out of the corner of my eye while I was getting ready in the bathroom, to being so conditioned to feeding him every morning that I actually went in to feed him. That is the hardest part really.... I'm always ok until I do something that I would have done differently or don't have to do anymore and realize all over again that he isn't there. 

Needless to say it was a pretty crappy Easter weekend....

Now that I am back at school it is easier because I'm not in that environment anymore and there aren't constant reminders that he isn't here anymore. But I have been dreaming about him and every once in a while a song will come on, or there will be a cat on TV, or my roommate will talk about her cat, and I get that little sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and just feel sad all over again. I know that it is going to take time for me to feel better and not be so sad.... but right now it is just hard learning to live without my little buddy.