Hootie

My wonderful, hilarious, and partially evil, cat Hootie died last weekend. When my dad told me I was literally speechless. All I could do was sit there, completely motionless, with this vacant expression on my face. I had seen him six days before and he was completely fine. It was just a huge shock. My dad said that he went really fast though and wasn't in any pain, so that was somewhat comforting. I think that I will always be guilty that I wasn't there though. I don't know if I could have done anything or changed the situation in any way, but I wasn't there..... I just wasn't there. 

After the initial shock was over, I was ok, but then it was so hard to walk downstairs for the first time when I got home. It was so weird to walk down there and not see him peeking out from around the couch or sacked out on my bed. Even weirder was not having him sleep with me. He has slept on the left hand corner of my bed for as long as I can remember. I always used to put my foot against him when I slept just because it was comforting knowing that he was there. I slept completely alone for the first time since I was six-years-old.... and I have to tell you that I was not a fan.

From then on, the rest of the weekend just continued to get harder as I began to realize what an enormous part of my life he was. From thinking that I could see him out of the corner of my eye while I was getting ready in the bathroom, to being so conditioned to feeding him every morning that I actually went in to feed him. That is the hardest part really.... I'm always ok until I do something that I would have done differently or don't have to do anymore and realize all over again that he isn't there. 

Needless to say it was a pretty crappy Easter weekend....

Now that I am back at school it is easier because I'm not in that environment anymore and there aren't constant reminders that he isn't here anymore. But I have been dreaming about him and every once in a while a song will come on, or there will be a cat on TV, or my roommate will talk about her cat, and I get that little sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and just feel sad all over again. I know that it is going to take time for me to feel better and not be so sad.... but right now it is just hard learning to live without my little buddy.